


Going Up

by LordValeryMimes



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Established Relationship, Fluff and Smut, Kilts, M/M, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-20 10:19:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2425106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordValeryMimes/pseuds/LordValeryMimes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during series X. I wound up filling my own prompt on the Red Dwarf Kink Meme about wanting to see one of the boys in a kilt. I just couldn't help myself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Up

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Rob Grant and Doug Naylor for creating these characters so I could make them get up to all sorts of smeg together.

"One jumbo-sized inflatable haggis. Why on Io would anyone want an inflatable haggis?" Rimmer held the box with the tips of his fingers and wrinkled up his nose.

“It’s just for a laugh Rimmer,” Lister said as he snatched a plush Loch Ness monster from a shelf. “Remember when we used to have that giant banana in our quarters?”

“Ah yes,” Rimmer said as he inspected the back of the haggis box. “Whatever happened to that thing?”

“I think it lost to Cat in a wrestling match. It wasn’t a fair match-up to begin with, since he's got claws and fangs.” Lister grinned as he draped the stuffed Nessie across his shoulders.

“But the banana had more brains,” Rimmer sniffed as he dropped the haggis back on the shelf. “How much longer is he going to be? We’ve been shopping for hours.”

“You know Cat,” said Lister as he ran his eyes across a shelf of mugs decorated with the Scottish flag. “He’ll not rest until he finds the perfect new hair removal solution. He’s been inconsolable ever since he ruined his hot-wax kit.”

“Lister,” Rimmer said with a sizable roll of his eyes, “Even that idiotic moggy ought to have known that you don’t put an electronic hot-wax kit in the microwave.”

“Well, he knows now don’t he? Won’t be doing that again anytime soon. At least not until the next time. I give him about... three weeks.”

The two men weaved their way through the shelves and display units of the novelty shop in single-file with Rimmer trailing behind Lister.

"Ah now, this. This is something that I can appreciate," Rimmer's face was awash with delight as he pulled a dusty pair of bagpipes from a high shelf. "A very noble instrument the bagpipe. Quite a fascinating military history you know. Did you know that bagpipes were sometimes used instead of trumpets on the battlefield?"

"What the smeg are you on about, Rimmer?"

"It's military history, Lister. You know you really ought to read a book sometime miladdo, it'd do you a world of good."

Lister’s dreadlocks swished behind him as he shook his head. "Rimmer, we're floating in the middle of deep space, millions of light years away from earth. Who gives a smeg about military history anymore? The military is all dead, the historians are all dead.” Lister ticked off his fingers for emphasis. “Even the historians, who wrote history books about the dead historians, are all dead."

"Look just because you've got no appreciation for history doesn't mean that I have to become an uncultured neanderthal," Rimmer pulled his lean body up straight and clasped his hands behind his back. "I think I'll take them back with me, I ought to learn how to play a musical instrument. Something to break up the Esperanto lessons."

A panicked look flashed across Lister's face. "Rimmer, I forbid you to take those bagpipes back with you. The Hammond organ records are already more than I can stand."

"Oh come on Listy, it's a fantastic instrument. I could learn to play some Rastabilly Skank for you," Rimmer smirked as he gave the bagpipes an experimental squeeze. The sound was not unlike a camel dying from strangulation and Lister wrinkled his nose.

"No way. Unless my guitar is allowed to come out of stasis again, these are staying here," Lister grabbed the pipes from Rimmer and shoved them roughly back on the shelf.  

"You're going to cause me to become culturally stagnant, Listy." The hologram crossed his arms over his chest as his brow dipped in a frown. "Sometimes I don't know why I put up with you."

"It's because you like how me bum looks in me leather trousers." Lister said, purposely exaggerating his accent in a way that he knew drove the hologram crazy. Rimmer shook his head wearily while Lister grabbed his hand, dragging him away from the bagpipes.

“What are we even doing in here, Listy?” Rimmer asked as he paused to stare at a shelf covered in tartan hats with false ginger hair trailing down from the backs. “This is all ridiculous, who would want any of this garbage? Why do they even have a shop like this on Red Dwarf?”

“Oh c’mon Rimmer, it’s just a bit of fun. You’ve got to lighten up some.” Lister turned to the hologram and wiggled the stuffed lake monster in his face. “C’mon love! Give Nessie a kiss!”

“Lister, that thing is over three million years old,” Rimmer grimaced as Nessie’s forked tongue twiddled his nose. “Who knows what kind of mutated germs it could be contaminated with.”

“The whole place was decontaminated years ago,” Lister said as he turned to look through a rack of shot glasses. “Besides, I think this place is a laugh. It reminds me a little bit of home you know?”

“You were raised in a grotty old Scottish novelty shop, Lister? Suddenly your tastes in interior design make so much more sense.”

“Oh ha ha. You know I wasn’t raised in a shop Rimmer, but me gran was Scottish. She'd have loved all this silly smeg." Lister gestured at a wire rack covered in keychains that read: Scottish, and proud of it!  "She was always telling me stories about the old country, and what it was like growing up there. These are MY people Rimmer!"

"You were adopted you gimboid," Rimmer tried to sound insulting, but he couldn't hide his smile as he watched Lister capering about the shop like an eager puppy. "You're no more Scottish than..." Rimmer grabbed at a handful of tartan aprons. "Than these things. Just as I thought," he said as he squinted at the label. "Made in China."

A stand covered in tea towels caught Lister’s eye. "Get a look at this, Rimmer," Lister held the towel up in front of him. "You still think there's no blood relation? Check out that bloke there, doesn't he remind you of someone?" Lister pointed at a fellow in a kilt who was holding an enormous log of wood up to his groin.

"I don't know about you, but I certainly see some resemblance, right around this area here." Lister smirked as he circled his index finger pointedly around the large wooden protuberance.

"Don't flatter yourself too much miladdo. You know I can't stand it when your ego gets too inflated." Rimmer said with a snort.

"You certainly don't seem to mind when other parts of me get inflated," Lister playfully wrapped the towel around Rimmer and pulled the hologram against him.

"Not now Listy," Rimmer hissed as he squirmed away from the towel. "The others could hear."

"Oh come off it, they're way across the other side of the centre, no one's going to hear anything." Lister swung the towel around Rimmer like a whip and pulled him in so they were pressed chest to chest. "C'mon big man. Just a quick snog, eh?"

"You are absolutely incorrigible Lister," Rimmer grumbled as he tried to wriggle out of the man's embrace. "Can't you wait until we're somewhere a little more private? We're not a couple of horny teenagers anymore you know."

"But you make me FEEL like a horny teenager Rimmer, and your body drives me crazy." Lister growled as he slid his hands down to Rimmer's backside and gave it a generous squeeze.

"Listy!" Rimmer hissed as he pulled the pawing hands away from his posterior. "Enough! You're just going to have to wait."

"You know sometimes you are just NO smegging fun man." Lister rolled his eyes as he tossed the towel over his shoulder. He turned and resumed weaving through the racks while Rimmer followed behind him, straightening out his shiny blue uniform.

"Hey now," Lister crowed as he reached a rack at the back corner of the shop. "Get a load of these." Lister stepped back and held out a kilt with a bright red tartan pattern. "What do you think?" Lister held the kilt against his waist.

Rimmer's eyes bugged out of his head. "Are you serious, Listy? You? In that thing?"

"Wha’? You think I can't pull it off? Think I'm not man enough to show a bit of leg?" Lister pushed out his chest as he modeled the kilt.

"A bit of leg? Lister, there's a reason why the rest of civilized society decided that skirts ought to be worn by women." Rimmer crossed his arms over his chest as he tutted at Lister.

"Are you saying that I haven't got nice legs?"

"What I'm saying Listy, is that you're going to look like you're the star of an all-drag production of Brigadoon."  

"I like it, it’s sort of rock and roll.” Lister had a gleam in his eye as he swung the kilt over his shoulder. “I'm trying it on," he said with a grin as he headed for the fitting rooms.

"I swear you get more ridiculous every decade that goes by." Rimmer said as he shook his head.

"Better ridiculous than a smeghead!" Lister shouted as he shut the curtain behind him.

A few minutes later, Rimmer had just finished inflating the jumbo inflatable haggis when Lister stepped out of the fitting room.

"Oh yeah. Can I pull it off, or can I pull it off?" Lister cried out as he strode confidently up to Rimmer. The inflatable haggis fell from Rimmer's lips with a comical sound as he gawped at Lister.

The kilt fit Lister perfectly, falling just to the middle of his knees. Rimmer had an unobstructed view of his bunkmate's muscular calves as they peeked out from the tops of his boots. Rimmer had to admit that the kilt paired with Lister's usual t-shirt and leather jacket did look a bit sexy. Lister had slung his cast-off leather trousers over one shoulder and the casual gesture only added to the effect. Rimmer couldn't deny it anymore than he could deny the sudden sensation of heat pooling in his groin. Lister looked absolutely fantastic.

Rimmer licked his lips as he devoured Lister with his eyes. "Listy you look, you look..."

"Wha'? You like what you see big man?" Lister sidled up to Rimmer and pressed his crotch firmly up against the hologram's. "Judging by the feel of things down here, I'd say that's definitely a ‘yes’." The hologram moaned as he leaned into his lover.

"Lister," Rimmer growled into the man's ear. "How can you make something so ridiculous look so incredibly sexy?" He slid his hands up under Lister's leather jacket and leaned in for a kiss.

"Hang on there Rimsy, what about the others overhearing us? We're not a couple of horny teenagers anymore remember?" Lister held Rimmer away from him as he struggled to hide a smirk.

"Oh smeg the others," Rimmer hissed as he pulled Lister back.

"No, I think you're right Rimmer," Lister said as he backed away from the hologram. "We really ought to be a bit more discreet, you know? We're not as young as we used to be, it's time we started behaving like two adults in a mature relationship don't you think?"

"Oh come off it Lister, you're just trying to make a point," Rimmer squirmed uncomfortably as his cock continued to thicken in his shorts.

"You're damn smegging right I am," Lister said, a boyish grin on his face as he pushed past Rimmer and began to walk out of the shop.

“Listy!” Rimmer hissed as he followed after Lister. He watched mesmerized as the pleated material swayed back and forth while his bunkmate swaggered away. “Please Listy?”

Lister stopped at the uncharacteristic apology and Rimmer slid up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“Please Listy? Pretty please with cream and sugar?” Rimmer pressed himself up against Lister and dotted a few kisses along the back of his neck. Rimmer’s growing erection threatened to burst the seams of his hologramatic pants as he pressed it against Lister’s backside. Lister sighed and leaned back into the taller man. He turned to the hologram with an angelic look on his face. “Enough,” Lister said in a comically inaccurate imitation of Rimmer, “You’re just going to have to wait.” He winked at the hologram before walking out of the shop, leaving Rimmer cursing under his breath.

Rimmer’s cursing became more descriptive as he heard the tell-tale sound of a pair of metal boots and a yowl. Kryten and Cat were making their way down the shopping centre corridor, enthusiastically pushing a pair of shopping trolleys in front of them.

“Oh buggery smeg and jumbo haggis,” Rimmer grumbled as he walked dejectedly behind Lister, trying his best to not stare at the tantalizing glimpses of Lister’s brown thighs that winked at him with each sway of the tartan material.

Lister turned to Rimmer and whispered gruffly in his ear, “Hold these for me would you love?” Rimmer looked down with a furrowed brow as Lister stuffed some fabric into the pocket of his trousers. Lister plunged his hand unnecessarily deep into the pocket, deliberately grazing his fingertips against the outline of Rimmer’s erection. The hologram moaned with disappointment as Lister withdrew his hand. Rimmer reached in and blushed as red as the ship’s walls as he pulled out a pair of Lister’s boxers. He hurriedly tucked them away, as he grabbed Lister by the arm.

“You mean you’re not… You mean you’re… Under there it’s just...,” he hissed in a whisper.

Lister only winked in response before turning to catch up to Cat and Kryten.

Rimmer stood stuttering for a moment, desperately trying to calm himself. The thought that there was nothing but a flimsy bit of tartan cloth holding back the monster that was usually safely caged by Lister’s shorts and trousers, made him feel light-headed. As he followed after Lister, he was forced to take shorter strides to ease the pull of his uniform on his massive erection.

“Mister Lister sir! You wouldn’t believe my good luck! I found a 500 series deluxe Gravitron vacuum cleaner in perfect condition with a complete set of attachments!” The mechanoid patted the large box wedged in his trolley with reverence. “It’s the only vacuum cleaner with suction that can rival that of a black hole. I haven’t been this excited since we had that oil leak in Mister Cat’s walk-in closet and I had to do five solid months worth of laundry.”

“And I’ve got enough hair removal products to keep this fine body of mine as smooth as silk for the next ten years!” Cat’s voice echoed from behind the large stack of depilatory products piled high in his cart. He poked his head out from behind the hair-removal mountain and gave a shout of surprise, “Oww! What is THAT thing?” Cat pointed a well-manicured finger at Lister’s lower-half.

“Wha’ this? It’s a kilt, it’s the official uniform of the Scottish highlander!” Lister put his hands on his hips and struck what he hoped was a dashing pose. Rimmer groaned as the fabric wrapped itself tight around Lister’s round backside. The hologram was suddenly very grateful that his tunic was long enough to obscure the enormous tent in his trousers.

“Buddy, they would HAVE to have been high on something to think that THAT was a good look,” Cat hissed as he took a few swipes at Lister’s hem with his claws. “The best set of legs on this ship clearly belong to ME, but even I have the sense not to go around in a skirt.”

Kryten gave Lister a reassuring pat on the shoulder. "We'll I think it's quite a smart look Mister Lister sir. And not to worry, I had many years of experience washing women's clothing while I was serving on the Nova 5."

“It’s a kilt, not a skirt!”

“Whatever monkey," said Cat as he threw up his hands. "It's your fashion crime. Let’s get out of here though, I haven’t eaten in two hours and I’m likely to expire any minute now!”

The group headed back to the Xpress Lift, Rimmer bringing up the rear with a slightly-hunched and exaggeratedly slow walk. Every now and then Lister would turn around and hit Rimmer with a smirk and an eyebrow waggle that only served to both infuriate and arouse the hologram more. Rimmer gnawed on the inside of his cheeks as thoughts of Lister’s cock, swinging freely underneath that kilt, raced through his mind. The hologram cursed silently as he felt the first drops of pre-cum begin to dribble from the tip of his burning erection.

Outside the Xpress Lift doors, Cat angrily began jabbing the button with his finger. “Why does it always take so long?”

“If you’ll recall sir, you did press all of the buttons just before we exited the lift,” Kryten said gravely.

“But they were so shiny! I just can’t help myself.” Cat said before quickly being distracted by his own reflection in the lift doors. “Of course I can’t help myself. Look how nice I’m looking.”

“Oh smeg, we’re going to be waiting for-smegging-ever for the stupid smegging thing,” Rimmer grumbled.

“Keep your hair on, love. What’s the matter? You impatient for something?” Lister shifted himself backwards so he was leaning against the hologram. He made a pretense of clasping his hands behind his back, but instead cupped his hands around the large bulge at the front of Rimmer’s trousers. The hologram bit back a gasp as Lister fondled him with expert hands through the fabric of his uniform. Rimmer began to tune-out the mindless chatter of Kryten and Cat as Lister twirled his thumb around a spot that drove the hologram mad. Lister’s brown eyes sparkled as he could hear Rimmer behind him, alternating between shallow breaths and partially stifled moans. The hologram’s face ran a fascinating gamut of expressions as he struggled not to betray any hint of their antics while they waited for the lift.

When the lift arrived several minutes later with a triumphant ding, Rimmer suddenly shoved his way past Kryten and Cat, pushing Lister ahead of him.

“You two can wait for the next one!” The hologram shouted through clenched teeth as he shoved the two trolleys out of his way and stepped up to the open lift doors.

“But Mister Rimmer sir, it could take hours for another lift to arrive!” Kryten said with dismay.

“Too smegging bad!” Rimmer’s nostrils flared widely as he pushed Lister through the opening.

“I say we put it to a vote!” Cat cried out indignantly.

“Fine. I vote we go. Listy votes that we go...” Lister opened his mouth to speak but Rimmer gave him a sharp jab with his elbow. “Kryten doesn’t count because he’s a lowly bog-bot, you don’t count because you’re the feline missing-link, so that means we win! Come on, Listy.” Rimmer gritted his teeth as he punched the ‘close door’ button repeatedly.

“Sorry guys,” Lister rubbed at his side and waved sheepishly as the doors closed on Cat and Kryten’s dejected faces.

“That hurt you tw…” Lister’s insult was forcefully silenced by Rimmer’s probing tongue as the hologram slammed into him with a scorching kiss. Rimmer pinned him against the lift doors, his hands sliding across the soft cotton of Lister’s t-shirt, his hips grinding into the tight weave of the kilt.

“You bastard,” Rimmer growled between kisses as Lister tried to catch his breath. “You smeggy little teasing bastard.” He pushed Lister’s leather jacket and trousers off of his shoulders and let them fall roughly to the floor. “Prancing around in that thing like you’re William smegging Wallace,” Rimmer muttered between mouthfuls of Lister’s neck as he rutted into him like a wild animal.

“You know you love it,” Lister moaned happily, his aching side forgotten as he leaned his head back to allow Rimmer easier access. He reached his fingers to undo the hidden clasps of Rimmer’s tunic but the hologram shoved his fingers away roughly.

“No.” Rimmer growled into Lister’s ear as he pulled on the soft folds with his teeth.

“Wha’ d’you mean, no?” Lister grunted with pleasure as the hologram licked up the side of his neck, running his lips over the warm skin.

“I mean, no.” Rimmer’s said, his voice hoarse with lust as he pulled Lister’s black t-shirt over his head in one swift motion. “Not until I am quite finished with you.” Lister’s exposed nipples stiffened in the cool air of the lift as Rimmer kissed his way down his bunkmate’s chest.

“That’s not fair Rimmer,” Lister said as he gasped and writhed underneath the delicious heat of Rimmer’s lips and tongue.

“All’s fair in love and war miladdo,” Rimmer muttered as he caught Lister’s nipple in his teeth and worried at it gently.

“You can be such a bastard, Rimmer. Oh. Oh, smegging smeg.” Lister slid his fingers into the hologram’s silver-tinted hair, wrestling the curls free from their thick coating of gel.

“You know you love it,” Rimmer murmured as he dragged his nose up Lister’s chest and pulled him in for a long kiss. The hologram kept one hand firm at the back of Lister’s neck and let the other trail down to the sizeable tent at the front of the kilt. Lister’s groans echoed in Rimmer’s mouth as the smooth wool was rubbed up and down the length of his hard prick.

“Thank you for choosing Xpress Lifts, your premier choice for safe and luxurious inter-ship travel…” Lister couldn’t hold back a laugh as the in-lift video began to play.

“Oh shut up, you annoying woman!” Rimmer turned and shouted at the screen.

“Please ensure that all extremities are safely within the lift before...” The woman’s spiel was cut-off as Rimmer hurled a complementary bottle of water at the screen, shattering it into a spider web pattern.

“Not interested in paying extra for the in-lift movie then?” Lister asked as he rolled his hips against Rimmer’s hand.

“Frankly Listy, I don’t give a damn,” Rimmer continued kissing his way down Lister’s neck and chest as he slid one exploratory hand up Lister’s kilt. “Oh smeg Listy,” Rimmer exclaimed as he grabbed a handful of hot, hard flesh.

“Oh Rimmer,” Lister cried out as the hologram caressed him slowly with long slender fingers. He braced his back against the lift doors as his legs began to tremble. Rimmer lowered himself to his knees and Lister moaned as he eagerly pushed the hologram’s head down towards his aching cock. Rimmer pulled up the kilt, exposing Lister’s engorged erection to his flushed lips. Lister barely had time to register the feel of the cool air of the lift before he was engulfed in the searing heat of the hologram’s mouth.

“Oh smegging hell. Oh… SMEGGING hell, Rimmer.” Lister bit down on his lower lip as the hologram sucked him in as deeply as he could. Waves of heat flowed from his lower back to his toes as Rimmer ran his tongue down and around his entire length. Lister entwined his fingers in Rimmer’s hair, anchoring his hands in the messy curls.

Rimmer grabbed hold of Lister’s round backside, as his bunkmate rocked his hips slowly and rhythmically. The hologram moaned as he bobbed his head up and down on his lover’s hard member. He could hear Lister above him, gasping and moaning at each touch of his tongue and lips. Every sound sent another shock of pleasure through his own aching cock. An unintelligible burst of curses and moans spilled from Lister’s lips as he struggled to remain upright under the onslaught of Rimmer’s mouth.

“Oh, Rimmer. Oh, oh smeg, man. I’m gonna… I’m gonna…” Lister grunted as he could feel his climax building.

“Don’t you dare, Listy,” Rimmer mumbled around his mouthful of cock. “Not just yet.” The hologram stood himself up tall while keeping one hand firmly encircled around Lister. Rimmer leaned into Lister, muffling the man’s cries of pleasure with his mouth as he continued to pump him slowly. Rimmer broke the kiss for just a moment so he could breath, “Turn around,” into Lister’s ear.

“Oh smeg yes,” Lister sighed as he turned and pressed his forehead against the cool metal of the lift doors. Lister broke out in gooseflesh as Rimmer flipped up the back of the kilt, exposing his soft skin to the chilled air of the lift. Rimmer licked his lips as he palmed his lover’s backside greedily. It never failed to amaze him how in spite of his lazy lifestyle, Lister managed to maintain the arse of someone half his age.

The hologram quickly unzipped the front of his sodden trousers and sighed as his cock was finally released from its confinement. Thick droplets of pre-cum spilled from the tip and he used his hand to spread the wetness along his lengthy shaft. Rimmer anchored one hand on Lister’s hips as he bent the man forward, entering him slowly and deliberately. The hologram hissed as he felt himself sliding, centimetre by centimetre into his bunkmate. “Oh Listy. Oh Listy. Oh smeg,” he cried as the incredible tightness surrounded him.

Lister clawed at the lift doors as his lover pressed further into him. “Smeg Rimmer,” he groaned as he rocked his hips back into the hologram. “Oh smeggin’ smeggin’ smeg.” The hologram bit down on Lister’s bare shoulder as he built up to a gentle rhythm. Lister shivered at the scrape of Rimmer’s teeth against his skin. “Oh smeggin’ hell, Rimmer,” Lister blurted out, his accent thickening as it always did when lust overtook him. Rimmer reached down with his free hand and wrapped it firmly around Lister’s cock. “Oh smeg, oh smeg, oh… Rimmer...”

Lister pressed forward into the hologram’s hand and Rimmer pumped him slowly, matching the motions of his hand with the motions of his hips. Rimmer bit down on his lower lip as he fought back his own building orgasm while he milked Lister at both ends. Lister beat his fists against the lift and Rimmer gasped as the cock in his hand stiffened. With one last cry of the hologram’s name, Lister grunted and shot his load against the lift doors.

“Listy, oh smeg. Oh bloody smeg…” Rimmer fell forward, groaning into Lister’s shoulder as his own orgasm roared through him. Rimmer’s eyes rolled back in his head as he came, his cock twitching as it emptied into Lister.

They stood panting for a several moments before Lister suddenly groaned, “Me back, oh me smeggin’ back,” and slid to the floor.

“Oh smeg. My thighs!” Rimmer fell to the floor along with Lister. “Why can’t you be a few centimetres taller? I’ve got to crouch the whole time!” Rimmer punctuated the insult with a sigh as he wrapped an arm around Lister.

“Why can’t you be a few stone lighter? You know for a hologram you’re damn smegging heavy!” Lister leaned his head against Rimmer’s chest and reached down to clasp the hologram’s hand.

“Listy?” Rimmer pressed his face into Lister’s hair. “I’m sorry for elbowing you earlier. I didn’t hurt you badly did I?”

“No worries Rimmer,” Lister said as he gave the hologram’s hand a squeeze. “I’m tougher than I look in this skirt.”

The two men smiled at one another and cuddled up on the lift floor, their bodies spooned together. Rimmer ran a hand down Lister’s dreadlocks, “I love you, Listy.”

“I love you too, you smeghead,” Lister smiled and gave Rimmer a soft kiss. They were happily basking in their mutual afterglows when a sudden loud “DING!” brought them back to reality.

“Smeg! We never entered our floor!” Lister hissed as they both struggled to cover themselves. The lift doors opened, revealing an incredibly perturbed looking Kryten.

“Hi,” Lister grinned sheepishly as he tugged down his kilt and covered up his bare chest with his arms. Rimmer slumped down as far as he could behind Lister, his ears a brilliant red.

Cat lay on the floor a few yards from the door, curled up in the fetal position, his hands clasped over his ears. “Make them stop!” He yowled pathetically as he rolled from side to side. “Make them stop! Please! I swear, I’ll do anything! I’ll never eat fish again! I’ll never look in a mirror again!”

Kryten averted his eyes from the two men as he stepped back from the lift. “If it’s all the same to you sirs, I think Mister Cat and I will take the next one.”


End file.
